Growing up as a teen, I was completely hooked on Lifetime movies. Our family had very basic cable options, so I found myself constantly watching what my group of friends teasingly called the “woman in peril” network. In all honesty, this nickname was well-deserved. Almost every film featured an attractive yet gullible woman who becomes involved with a dangerous man and must struggle to regain her independence. These melodramatic shows were my guilty pleasure—but they certainly weren’t known for their nuance. When I eventually began my own dating journey, I realized these dramatic portrayals hadn’t equipped me to recognize the more subtle indicators that a partner might be verbally abusive, which are often much less obvious and harder to identify.
If you’re uncertain whether your relationship contains verbal abuse elements, there’s a legitimate reason for this confusion. Verbal abuse can be equally damaging as physical mistreatment, yet it’s frequently more difficult to recognize. This happens because those who abuse others verbally typically excel at concealing their tactics initially. According to Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist who authored The Self-Aware Parent, “Even the most skilled, competent psychologist and psychiatrist can ‘miss’ spotting a well-oiled sociopath.” Though not everyone who engages in verbal abuse qualifies as a sociopath, they can nonetheless be challenging to detect.
Verbal abuse is fundamentally about power and control. It’s a pattern of behavior where one person uses words and other non-physical tactics to gain and maintain power over their partner. Many people don’t even realize they’re experiencing it because it can start subtly and worsen over time. So what exactly should you be looking out for? Here are nine signs that experts say could indicate your partner is verbally abusive.
1. Name-Calling and Shouting
This is perhaps the most recognizable form of verbal abuse. If your partner calls you insulting names like “stupid,” “worthless,” or “disgusting,” that’s verbal abuse. Similarly, if they resort to shouting until they get what they want, they’re using intimidation tactics to control you. These behaviors aren’t just hurtful in the moment—they chip away at your self-esteem over time.
2. Condescension and Belittling
Does your partner constantly use sarcasm at your expense? Do they speak to you as if you’re a child who can’t understand basic concepts? Condescending remarks like “You wouldn’t understand this anyway” or “Let me explain this simply for you” are subtle forms of verbal abuse. Being the constant butt of your partner’s jokes might seem harmless at first, but over time, this belittling behavior makes you question your intelligence and worth.
3. Manipulation and Blame
Verbal abusers rarely take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they blame their victims for their own emotions and behaviors. If you often hear phrases like “You made me angry” or “This is your fault,” you’re being manipulated. This blame-shifting creates confusion and self-doubt, making you wonder if you really are responsible for your partner’s negative behavior.
4. Intimidating Behaviors
Verbal abuse doesn’t always stay purely verbal. Your partner might engage in intimidating behaviors like throwing objects, punching walls, or making aggressive gestures without actually touching you. These actions, along with veiled threats and intimidating body language, create a climate of fear where you’re constantly walking on eggshells.
5. Constant Accusations
If your partner constantly accuses you of cheating or lying without any evidence, that’s verbal abuse. These unfounded accusations stem from jealousy and a desire for control. Over time, you might find yourself constantly defending your actions and whereabouts, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. Eventually, you may even begin to question your own behavior.
6. Public Humiliation
A verbally abusive partner might criticize or embarrass you in front of friends, family, or even strangers. They might bring up private matters in public or make “jokes” at your expense that leave you feeling ashamed. This behavior serves to isolate you from your support network and damages your social connections, making it harder for you to leave the relationship.
7. Undermining Success and Happiness
Have you noticed that your partner tends to put you down right when you’re feeling happy or successful? Verbal abusers often can’t stand to see their partners thriving because it threatens their control. They might dismiss your achievements, mock your interests, or find ways to dampen your joy. This is designed to keep you feeling unworthy and dependent on their approval.
8. Controlling Behaviors
Verbal abusers often make decisions that should rightfully be yours. They might try to control what you wear, what you eat, who you spend time with, or how you spend your money. These behaviors strip away your autonomy and independence, making it increasingly difficult to assert yourself in the relationship.
9. Gaslighting and Denying Reality
Perhaps one of the most insidious forms of verbal abuse is gaslighting—making you question your memory of events or denying that certain things happened at all. Your partner might claim they never said something hurtful (even when you clearly remember it) or twist conversations to make you seem irrational. Over time, this makes you doubt your perceptions and even your sanity.
The Impact and Warning Signs of Escalation
Verbal abuse takes a serious toll on emotional and psychological health. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. What’s particularly concerning is that verbal abuse can be a precursor to physical violence. If the abuse is becoming more frequent or intense, if your partner seems to be monitoring your activities more closely, or if they’re making more direct threats, these could be warning signs that the abuse may escalate.
Finding Support
If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, it’s important to know that you’re not alone and the abuse is never your fault. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can provide confidential support and resources. Remember, everyone deserves to be in a relationship based on mutual respect and dignity—not fear and control.
Understanding these signs is crucial, especially during October’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Unlike those dramatic Lifetime movies of my teenage years, real-life verbal abuse isn’t always obvious. It’s often subtle, gradual, and wrapped in complicated emotions. But by knowing what to look for, you can better protect yourself and seek the support you deserve.
