Christmas Has Been Ruined By These Kale Flavored Candy Canes That No One Can Stand
Not all candies are sweet or delicious. This fact calls to mind Harry’s first experience with booger flavored Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Bean in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. A real-life candy maker is making our nightmares real with kale-flavored candy canes.
Christmas will never be the same again, and instead of getting a lump of coal, naughty children will instead get a case full of the latest flavor of candy cane from novelty toy and candy company, Archie McPhee.
These kale flavored candy canes are sure to produce some tears when consumed by gullible kids on practically the only day in the year when children can skip eating their greens. The company responsible for this atrocity has been selling “impractical items,” like the kale candy cane, since 1983.
Who wants a kale-flavored candy cane?
They announced their new line of veggie-flavored candy canes via Twitter early last month. The folks over at Archie McPhee claim that the green-and-white striped candy cane taste like their leafy green namesake, but with none of the nutrition. So, who in their right mind would ever want to eat one?
The product description on the Archie McPhee website reads,
KALE CANDY CANES
– Set of six green & white candy canes
– 5-1/4″ tall with kale flavoring
– Tastes just like the kale you love
– Finally, a candy cane everyone can agree on
All your Christmas dreams have come true! Kale Candy Canes are here! No more pesky holiday flavors to worry about, just the bitter grassiness of your favorite vegetable. Talk about a superfood, kale is not only very nutritious but also incredibly delicious. This set of six Kale Candy Canes gives you the flavor of kale with none of the dietary benefits. Plus, the package features personified kale. Kids love it! Each candy cane is 5-1/4″ tall with green and white stripes. 
To all of those who thought that the words kale and candy would never be used in the same sentence: it’s really happening. Candy canes are traditionally flavored with peppermint, but may also come in different popular flavors such as blueberry, caramel, vanilla, and even chocolate.
Stop ruining candy for all of us
Some manufacturers have even taken to creating some more savory flavors, like ham, pizza, sriracha, and bacon. However, despite all of the odd and truly bizarre candy cane flavors out there, none come close to beating the retch-inducing monstrosity that is the kale-flavored candy cane.
Worse yet, they didn’t stop at kale but also feature pickle, coal, and clam candy cane flavors on their website. As expected, the announcement of a new line of vegetable-flavored candy cane sparked off a wave of outrage on social media, with many calling a hard pass on veggie candy. 
Archie McPhee’s “director of awesome,” David Wahl, also points out another possible issue most people didn’t even think about: green-striped candies are usually assumed to be mint.
“We do want to warn people that the green color of the candy cane might lead someone to believe that it has a minty flavor. We wouldn’t want anyone to be fooled into eating one accidentally,” he said. 
Imagine buying a pack of this candy, thinking it was mint-flavored and bite into it without knowing. That is a scenario better left unimagined. However, since Archie McPhee’s line of pink and green candy canes look enticing, they may manage to trick a few kids into asking for them.
Now that’s a reaction we would love to see.
- “Kale Flavored Candy Canes Are Coming to Ruin Christmas for All the Children.” Rare. Rob Fox. November 8, 2019.
- “Kale Candy Canes Have Arrived and We’re Pretty Sure Christmas Is Ruined.” Tip Hero
- “Kale-flavored candy canes are not the reason for the season.” NY Post. Marissa Delatto. September 17, 2019.