Affairs are often glamorized in television shows like the character Olivia Pope made famous. The reality, however, is far less glamorous than what Hollywood portrays. Most people who venture into these complicated situations barely escape unscathed.
Growing up, I was constantly warned to avoid married men. But what’s behind this advice? Is it merely old-fashioned thinking? After all, married men often have stability, maturity, and clear life goals—qualities sometimes lacking in younger, single men.
Before jumping to conclusions, I want to clarify: I’m not advocating for becoming involved with married individuals, especially those with children. However, I recognize that these situations aren’t always black and white.
Sometimes, you don’t know someone is married. Other times, the forbidden nature creates an undeniable allure. There’s something about the secrecy, the scandal, and the thrill that can make these situations intoxicating. But let’s be honest with ourselves—this isn’t love. It’s infatuation and desire for something you shouldn’t have.
The Reality of Deception
You might think a wedding ring is the ultimate giveaway, and yes, spotting one should send you running in the opposite direction. But not all married individuals wear their rings, particularly on business trips or in certain social settings.
If you’re an attractive young professional at a conference, you’ll likely attract attention regardless of your intentions. Some men pursuing you might be married but deliberately hiding this fact. How can you know for sure if they’re not wearing their ring?
Sometimes, you simply can’t know. I learned this lesson firsthand after an amazing evening with someone who seemed perfect—only to discover later he was married with two children. The revelation was devastating. Despite the chemistry we shared, I felt horrible knowing I’d been an unwitting participant in his deception.
After processing my anger, I tried to understand his perspective. Maybe he was trapped in an unhappy marriage but staying for his children. Perhaps he needed an escape, however misguided. Does that excuse his behavior? Absolutely not. But it helps explain the human complexity behind these situations.
Six Critical Reminders Before Getting Involved With a Married Person
- One and done. If you find yourself in this situation, make it a one-time encounter and move on immediately.
- Marriage is resilient. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’ll be the exception who breaks up a marriage—these bonds are often stronger than you realize.
- Reality check on responsibilities. If you’re struggling with adult responsibilities like student loans, are you really prepared for the complexities of stepchildren and family dynamics?
- Overlooking better options. While pursuing someone unavailable, you might be missing perfect opportunities with available partners right in front of you.
- Fundamental incompatibility. You’re in completely different life stages, which creates an inherent disconnect regardless of chemistry.
- You’re not the focus. Harsh but true: during your time together, their thoughts often drift to their spouse and the potential consequences of their actions.
While affairs might seem exciting temporarily, they rarely end well for anyone involved. If you absolutely must get this experience out of your system, at least ensure it happens far away from their family and community.
More importantly, avoid making this a pattern. Regardless of how progressive our society becomes, participating in family disruption is not something to be proud of. Consider the innocent parties—especially children who deserve stability and trust in their family structure.
Additionally, becoming someone’s “side piece” reveals more about your self-worth than anything else. You deserve someone who chooses you completely, not someone who divides their time and attention between you and their family.
Save yourself the inevitable heartache. That attractive classmate or coworker who’s actually available might be a much better match. Just do your homework first to ensure they’re truly single and committed to building something real with you alone.