When you listen to hit songs like “No Charge” and hear Shirley singing “For the nine months I carried you, no charge,” you can’t help but think, Well, you’re not supposed to charge them anyway.
However, most parents like to think their children owe them for being born, but do they?
Do children owe their parents anything?
This might seem like a rather cold question to be asking. Some might even consider it a no-brainer. They would say “But, of course, you owe them for everything they’ve done for you.”
A couple of decades back, it wasn’t even up for debate. Children would work to pay their dues to their families in whatever way necessary. From giving up their dreams, to working for the family business, to even going as far as getting into an arranged marriage to help the family.
Today, such things are not obtainable. There is much fewer expectations from society on what children owe their family. The much they ask for is a call here, and a drop in there. Regardless of the ‘less severe’ nature of this debt, the argument remains. [1]
Filial obligation
This is the fancy term for ‘what do you owe your parents?’ According to modern philosophers, there are five possible theories namely debt theory, friendship theory, gratitude theory, special good theory, and gratitude for special goods theory.
- Debt theory – Here, the person owes the parents for the investment of resources made on their behalf.
- Friendship theory – This is a more voluntary option. Essentially, a person should do for their parents what they would do for their friends.
- Gratitude theory – Just as the name implies, the individual cares for the parents because they are motivated by their sense of gratitude towards them.
- Special goods theory – Here, the children offer what only they can offer to their parents, such as ‘their love.’
- Gratitude for special goods – This relatively new theory posits that an individual has obligations of gratitude to provide the parents with ‘special goods.’ [2]
Perhaps, the above has given you an insight into what these ‘obligations’ are or might be. If not, then read what philosophers have to say below.
Do Children Owe Gratitude to their Parents?
The question above was asked in an academic forum. Michael Hausekeller, a philosopher from the University of Exeter gave quite the blunt answer. “It is unclear whether we can be benefited by being conceived and born. So we don’t seem to owe our parents gratitude for that. And although it seems clear that we can be benefited by being fed, clad, and taken care of, it may be argued that this is something our parents owe us (by having brought us into existence). Since we don’t normally owe gratitude to somebody who merely gives us what they owe to us (what we have a right to be given), it would follow that children don’t owe gratitude to their parents,” he said.
Ph.D. graduate from the University of Queensland Nadira Talib gave an even more blunt and radical answer. “Aside from the main question, why were children brought into this world if we already know that life is an inevitable series of challenges? Have we not seen a person suffering from the illnesses of old age, for instance? Why then do we impose his burden of existence onto our unknowing children?” she said. [3]
That last one might be a bit too extreme or “out there” but the logic applies.
Parenthood is a beautiful thing
Deciding to have the baby was yours. From the time they are born till they grow up, you must have been through some ups and downs, but most people will gladly do it again.
This goes to show that as much as the children are being taken care of, the parents are also gaining quite a lot just by being parents.
You must learn from your children
This probably seems like a parody of some sort, but it isn’t. Most parents come up with the “I put a roof over your head” line when they feel they are being disrespected by their child. That is when they begin to count all they’ve done for the kids and all the children owe them.
However, being an open-minded parent who is willing to learn, or at least understand the opinions of their children will be in your best interest as that is when they open up to you.
It’s certainly not an easy task as you’d rather “be the parent.” No one is disputing your place, you just have to be a bit more accommodating of them.
Guilt-tripping your kids
Lots of parents are guilty of this. They think making their kids feel guilty for ‘living under their roof or drinking juice at night’ will make them value the dollar more. Sadly, that remains to be seen. What’s for sure however is the fact that your guilt does mess with their heads.
A 12-year study carried out by researchers at the Washington University of St. Louis found that there is a correlation between childhood guilt and physical changes in the brain. The depression you see in adults start from their childhood, and excessive guilt is a frequent cause of depression in adults.
According to the researchers, this childhood guilt led to a decrease in mass of the anterior insula of the brain, the area responsible for regulating perception and self-awareness. This decrease is said to cause mood and anxiety disorders, as well as depression.
Do you see why you shouldn’t do that to your kids? There are numerous other ways to teach them about responsibility. Remember, kids learn more from example than theory, so show them how to be responsible and well-adjusted members of society.
At the end of the day, your kids will love you unconditionally and treat you with the respect you have earned.
Also, to them, loving or caring for you won’t be an obligation anymore, but something they want to do by how much they love you.
References
- “What Do Grown Children Really Owe Their Loving Parents?” Fatherly. Admin. Accessed February 9, 2020.
- “Filial Obligation.” IEP. Brynn Welch. Accessed February 9, 2020.
- “Do Children Owe Gratitude to their Parents?” Research Gate. Michael Hauskeller. Accessed February 9, 2020.
- “Children are not Ungrateful & they Don’t Owe Us for Parenting Them.” Elephant Journal. Jennifer Wentzlaff. Accessed February 9, 2020.
- “Your Children Don’t Owe You For Being Born.” Medium. Arah Iloabugichukwu. Accessed February 9, 2020.