When most people hear the word “mother”, all they can imagine is the embodiment of love and kindness, a person who would sacrifice her life to see her children happy, thriving, and safe from all danger. Mothers are golden, but sadly, some people may never be able to relate to this definition. Most people would take on a more loving and caring character upon becoming parents. However, people with deep-rooted psychological disorders cannot just shed their skin and take on a new personality. Narcissists, sociopathic, and psychopathic parents raise kids too but it’s only a matter of how damaging their toxic impact would be on the innocent children. [1]
The bond between a mother and her daughter is as pure and true as any other existing in the universe. Girls look up to their moms from a young age and would usually grow up being able to confide in their moms about almost anything. Through the laughter, smiles, worries, tears, successes, disappointments, grief, and pain, your mum is your stronghold and your rock, relentlessly loving you through it all.
However, ladies who grew up with toxic, unkind, and uncaring mothers would usually have major esteem and emotional issues as adults. Having braved through childhood without someone cheering them on and picking them up when they fall, it’s hard to look out for yourself in adulthood, when the world is now yours to navigate alone. Narcissistic people can only love themselves and motherhood doesn’t always make things different.
According to author Peg Streep in her book titled Mean Mothers, daughters often for their self-image by looking up to their moms and taking cues from her character. [2] However, a mother who is distant, cruel, and emotionally unavailable can cause a girl to grow without any form of self-assurance or confidence. These psychological injuries leave deep wounds that remain open even in adulthood, and below are six of the most common ones. [3]
Believing she’s not worthy of love
Kids don’t understand the concepts of toxicity and narcissism, so they won’t even know that it’s all the fault of the uncaring parent and not theirs. A young girl growing up with an unloving mother would assume she’s just not good enough, not worthy of the motherly love she sees so clearly between her friends and their moms. She wonders why her own mom can’t ever treat her as nicely. Why is it so difficult for her mom to hug and kiss her like a normal kid? Many girls in this situation would grow up thinking they are unworthy of love. This leaves them desperately clamoring to prove themselves to others and doing the most in all their relationships.
Convinced she can’t do anything right
A mom who never appreciates her daughter’s efforts or commends her for trying is setting the girl up to an adult life full of self-doubt and second-guessing decisions. Her mom always compares her to other kids and expects her to do everything perfectly the first time. It doesn’t leave any room for growth and the girl would end up chalking herself up to a failure. As an adult, even when her mom can no longer influence her decisions, she continues to doubt herself because she’s spent so long believing she’s incapable of succeeding at anything.
Incessantly wishing she could be better
This is often the result of verbal abuse and comparison to other kids. A growing girl needs to be fed with words of love and positivity, not body-shamed and asked why she doesn’t look as cute as another, or make good enough grades. “I wish I were smarter, better, slimmer, or taller. I wish I could sing like Angie, dance like Susie, be the best at soccer… maybe then my mom would love me just a little.”
It hurts to grow up this way and most girls would end up continuing to wish they were more like “other people”.
Believing she can’t say no
When a girl grows up with a mom who barely pays her any attention and treats her unkindly, she’d want to go the extra mile to please her mom and hopefully get some positive reactions. She wants to impress so badly that she does everything she’s told and more, no matter how right or wrong they are. In the future, it would be a tough call to say no to certain requests because she’s conditioned her mind to accept this behavior as the standard for love.
Believing that she has no one in the world
“If my own mother doesn’t love me or care about me, who then gives two cents about me?” Her mom was supposed to be her rock and her stronghold, but sadly, the woman doesn’t really think so much of her. Her mom was always so distant and the girl’s problem didn’t seem important to her. It was tough growing up that way, but it made you so self-dependent it’s now impossible to let other people try to take care of yourself. You learned the hard way that you can’t depend on anyone else to care for you. However, it’s important to understand that you deserve all the love in the world and no one should ever have to go through life without letting WORTHY people in.
Hey, Queen, hold that gorgeous head up and forge ahead. You’ve been through so much and none of it was your fault. None of it will ever be. She’s your mom, you love her, but it’s not your fault she’s treated you badly all your life. Always know that the trials of the past and the difficulties of your childhood DO NOT have to shape your future. You can still have a great life full of self-appreciation and confidence. You can change your mindset to see yourself in a purer light. Everything can be different if you want it badly enough. You deserve to be happy, to know love, and to accept it, to accept that YOU ARE ENOUGH, and to believe that you are worthy of love.
References
- “Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.” Psychology Today. Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT. Retrieved September 23, 2020.
- “Daughter with unloving mothers have these 7 common wounds.” Psychology Today. Peg Streep. Retrieved September 23, 2020.
- “Narcissistic Mothers: The Long-Term Effects on Their Daughters.” Psych Central. Peg Streep. Retrieved September 23, 2020.